battleship roundup

I know I'm not the only one who stays up at night pondering Life's Big Question: How did we function before the internet? How did we find recipes to feed our strangest cravings, or hear about the slew of atrocities committed by our favorite D-list celebrities? Maaaaybe we could catch some of these gems in line at the grocery store, but who wants to read something that's a day old, let alone a week, or...God forbid...a month! I shudder to think.

Fortunately those days are gone. I'd like to take a moment to reflect on some of the juiciest food and fashion tidbits the internet has recently proffered with a little game called BATTLESHIP ROUNDUP!!!

MISS!
Thanks to Refinery29 for bringing some of the most heinous Photoshop crimes in history to light. The worst of the worst? Ralph Lauren's mutilation of model Fillipa Hamilton's waist, striking an inadvertent victory for feminism when adolescent girls everywhere realized that you can be too thin after all:




HIT!
Fast food is bad for you, and it's worse for your kids. Schools across the nation are revamping their lunch programs as alarming childhood obesity statistics surface. So why is it totally bananas that Santa Clara County wants to stop the practice of giving children toys with their fatty, semi-synthetic food? It's not, which is why I declare this proposed ban a hit.

You won't see this notorious burger thief
complying with fast food laws any time soon!

HIT!
Archie comics introduces their first gay guy, Kevin, giving Veronica a new shopping buddy and increasing property values throughout Riverdale.

Will the stylish new hunk turn the infamous
Betty/Veronica/Archie love triangle into a love square?

MISS!

Heidi Klum committed all sorts of faux pas the other day, from an unflattering nod to the late great Alexander McQueen to hair product abuse rivaled only by the likes of DJ Pauly D. True, a "fragrance release party" for Eva Longoria sounds like a pretty lame time, but at least try a little...

Sorry Heidi, but in fashion, one day you're in, the next you're out.

HIT!
I used to write "manscaping" off as metrosexual tomfoolery, reserved only for the most ridiculously vain of men. Unfortunately, complete body waxing for men seems to have become almost mandatory and I'd love to know why. When did the rugged, handsome man give way to the manicured pretty boy? How does anyone win in this situation? They don't, which is why this article by Simcha Whitehill is a hit!

Hugh Jackman: the last vestige of a dying breed?

MISS!
The Louis Vuiton iPad case is just a Hummer for city people. Take an impractical status symbol (iPad) and mix it with a gaudy status symbol (LV logo) and what do you have? A small penis!



HIT and SUNK!!!
At first I though that the story of Cecilia Cassini might actually be a miss. I was expecting a sickeningly cute interview, a bratty rich girl, and overbearing parents who think their daughter is more special than she is.

But no, this girl is the real deal. She designs and sews clothes for the stylish progeny of some big names and she's actually pretty good at it. Far from those unfortunate daughters of insane stage mothers, Cassini seems to foster a genuine passion and flair for fashion. Or at least that's what I gathered from her two minute profile on the Today Show.

So that's it! That makes...4 hits, which means the internet sunk our battleship!!